WTF?!?!

I haven't done this for a while, since it usually ends up not in a discussion at home, but in bitching and recrimination, and eventually a shouting match. But sometimes, I just gotta say "Fuck it!" and let it all spill out.

This is one of those days. Read on if you want a bunch of bitching, moaning, ranting and raving. Don't bother if you don't.

Ok. First of all, I admit that i have been a cranky-ass mother-fucker for the last couple weeks. I'm trying to quit smoking, and that, at least, is going relatively well. The side effect is that I'm cranky, and a lot of shit that I usually keep a cap on is bubbling up, and rarely at the best time.

I lost my shit last week about house upkeep stuff and, since the gods reward bad behavior, have finally gotten something that approaches livable results. The job is neither complete, nor perfect, but the house is finally getting into some semblance of livable shape, and what shape it's in has been well maintained. Thank you, Drae and Kess, for putting in some hard work on that.

This week, I lost my shit over a couple of things with Drae. For the last couple of years, I've tried to be very tolerant of certain parts of her behavior in regards to getting and keeping jobs, and both Kess and I have been offering her what advice we can about it. She's been largely unemployed for most of the time she's spent with us. While over the last few months, she's been doing much better, she's had temp gigs for less than 30% of the last few months.

I've been in her boat. I've had a couple of years of dodgy work situations under my belt. But for most of that time, I was trying to hustle something at nearly every hour of the working day, three to five days a week, unless I had a contract gig or something similar that was taking up my time.

The biggest problem that I have with her right now is that she prioritizes the fun stuff ahead of a job.We joined a Sword troop a few weeks back, and that costs us about $200 bucks/month. We'll make about 40-50 bucks per gig, would be my guess. That makes it a very expensive, if bloody fun, hobby. But the fact that she'll turn down a job if they want her to work weekends, or won't give her the time off to work a show, is a big problem.

House business comes first. House fun comes second. Additional fun comes last. Combine when possible. When they don't combine, the unfun crap comes first.

Kess, on the other hand, is ten kinds of unsettled about the relationship as a whole. She has her reasons, and many of them are valid. My temper has been getting the better of me, I'm not particularly interested in sex with her, I'm grumpy a lot of the time and so on. Some of the grumpy is justified. Some of it is less justifiable.

Well, I'm not particularly interested in sex with her right now. Some of the reasons are rational, and some of them are not. The first is that she's been shaving down to the boards, and I just don't find that attractive on her. She's so smooth skinned anyhow, that's it's like being intimate with a small child. Somewhere in the back of my head, it creeps me out, and more than a little lately. never used to bother me. Bugs me now.

There's more stuff there, and what it boils down to is that I have two women who are very unhappy most of the time, part of it is my recent attitude and grumpiness, and part of it is that I don't think either of them want to be in this relationship.
With Drae I'm fighting for her affection all the time, and she has either no interest in sex, or at least not sex with Kess and I. I honestly think that she's got something else going on somewhere. Fuck knows that she acts like a cheating girlfriend a lot of the time. I don't mean that i think she's fucking someone else, just that i think emotionally, she isn't there anymore. I feel like I'm a meal-ticket and an imposition for her.

With Kess, I've back-burnered too many things that I want and need for too long, in favor of letting her have her way. Now that i've stopped giving her slack on some of those things, it makes her feel imposed upon and unwanted. I want a house that isn't covered in half-finished craft projects, and that I can walkthrough. I'm bored with every conversation about the relationship devolving into how she's got the shit end of the stick.

Neither of them is at all interested in what I want. I can't even get them to hear me out, and explain. and right now, I can't even define what those things are: I'm too stressed out about the whole thing, about work, and about where this relationship is going, and why we're all in this hand-basket.