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This is without a doubt a truly shitty day. I've suspected it was coming for while, and more than anything, I've fought to put it off as long as possible in hopes that shit would work out. It seems that this is not going to happen.

Its been nearly 4 years since Drae moved in with Kess and I. Lot of heartache, lot of OK times, and a few really good ones, and it looks like that's going to be up the creek. Everyone tries to make it work, over the last year the success rate has been declining, particularly between the girls. They seem to be unable to communicate most of the time, and the relationship between them is bad. Overall, the household status is generally poor, owing mostly to their conflict. No one is getting what they need, much less what they want at this point.
My radar has been going apeshit for about 2 months. Today, is contact day. Details below the cut.

Somewhere in December, my radar started pinging that things had reached a new low here. I really can't elucidate it clearly. I got a sense from Drae that she was keeping secrets. Kess noticed it as well. I asked point blank several times what the deal was, and never really got anywhere. Meanwhile, the tension level kept going up generally, and between the girls especially.


Today, Drae told me that she's seriously considering moving to Connecticut, and has an offer to house sit some friends' place for the month of March while they are gone to work some renaissance fairs down south. The fact of the matter is that her taking a month away could be a good thing, if that were the extent of it. Part of me holds out hope that getting the girls apart for a while might give them a chance to Think things through. My inner realist says that once Drae goes, she's probably gone for good, barring the excruciating process of moving out her stuff.

Damage Assessment

So, this leaves me in a poor position. My general role around here for the last several months has been as a peacekeeper and arbitrator, trying to make sure that everything stays somewhat sane. Things that I want have largely been on hold for years. My relationships with both of the girls are damaged, especially insofar as my interactions with both of them have largely been in the capacity of sheriff for a long time. Stress level for me is through the roof, and trying to have a constructive interaction with either has been difficult- the inevitable topic of conversation with either is always the other. For my part, I am, at best, half-present with with either one, because I'm constantly worried about the other, and the state of the household generally.
I'm not sure that with either one of them gone, I can maintain a relationship with the other. Partly because I know myself well enough to recognize that it will be very difficult not to lay blame, probably somewhat unfairly, all over the place - and not just on Kess or Drae. A certain amount may be deserved - we are all caretakers of the relationships we have, and we've all dropped the ball a bit. Knowing that blame accomplishes nothing will not stop me from reacting badly... it will only make me bottle it up till I choke on it. This is some thing that I know I'm damn good at.
My relationships with each of the girls has its individual problems. I'll probably post on that another time. There's some serious analysis that needs to happen there.

Damage Control

Where I stand right now is that I'm rudderless on the short term, and have a lot of emotional sorting to do. Maintaining a relationship with either is requires some very unpleasant decisions. Maintaining relationships with both is not likely to be an option. Severing ties to both or either of them is going to be painful, and I'd rather avoid having to do that. I'm a big fan of clean breaks, and so is Kess.
The worst part of it is that I cannot tell how much of a part I will have in any of the decisions that will need to be made. It seems like the question of what I want stopped being raised the day Kess suggested that Drae stay with us as a partner and I said "yes." This has not been the relationship we had for the first few months for a very long time. What I agreed to was a triangular relationship, not the tug of war it has turned into, where I can't take either side, because I see both sides. All the time. The only side I haven't seen or taken is my own, and I fucking well need to work out what that is.
Being with either has so many conditionals, from my end, attached to it that I feel somewhat immobilized, as I have been for a while. This makes being with neither very appealing. Add to that the fact that I have initiated a set of changes within myself, that has been helping me start to sort my mental furniture, and that come April, that process is going to begin to accelerate, and being on my own, without distraction, has an appeal all its own.

Where do we go from here?

We're having a family meeting tonight. A lot of stuff is undiscussed just now. Some stuff may get resolved tonight, but I doubt it. Hopefully, some of it will at least get discussed. Either way, this meeting is going to hurt. In a shotgun sort of way, not a surgery sort.
I love them both dearly, for different reasons. I'm angry with both of them for a lot of reasons, and angry with myself for still others. My compatibility with each is increasingly questionable. Parallel to that, I don't know, and can't evaluate effectively, the variables of any of the equations I'm confronted with. After the discussion this evening, I'm going to have to sit and do some very serious work on the matter.