It is not logical, but it is often true.

I just want to pack this whole thing up and go off on my own. I love both Kess and Drae, but between them I find that I always end up being the loser when it comes to keeping them happy, and tolerant of each other.

Kess stays hip deep in jewelry supplies, and her jewelry forae and her discussion boards. Drae was neck deep in Ever-Quest, and since she got a voice chat app she's literally up to her ears. Kess is difficult to talk to because every conversation ends up being about the relationship. and Drae doesn't talk to me at all anymore, hardly.

I don't know what I want from this sometimes, and when I have brief moments of clarity, it seems like many of the things that I'd like amount to asking too much of them. Either their physical or psychological limitations get in the way. Between them, I'm pretty much locked down into a strange holding pattern of keeping things emotionally tolerable, and rarely getting much beyond that.

In small ways, things have been getting better in terms of working out the business of the household. Stuff is getting done and progress is being made on the day-today front. But it seems that none of us are really happy with the situation. Kess laughs and smiles about things that go on with other people. Drae only laughs and smiles when she's plugged in. Only rarely does either of them spare one for me.

I used to come home in a great mood, looking forward to making small talk about the day with them, even, to a certain extent looking forward to some of the more painful conversations that we've had about this relationship. But I find that I feel like a drug dealer to both of them half the time. The house hold buys Drae and Kess their toys, to keep everyone distracted and playing nice, while the things that I want materially, or emotionally, play a second place to their wants and needs.

And if I do express a desire for some toy, then I find that it's greeted with a vague sense of condescension, and in the end is often not really worth having. Likewise if I ask for something emotionally or in terms of affection or attention, then I get it, sure, by half-measures, or again with a vague sense of condescension.

I do wonder how much of this I've brought on myself. I chose to take on this role as the rational party, to feign neutrality in many things from the beginning, and postpone asking for what I wanted out of this relationship. I still put it off when asked, and I still don't have an adequate formulation of it, that I could put into plain language.

I want to share a bed with both my lovers again. I'd like to spend a night on the couch with them naked, watching movies, piled up like a bunch of puppies, without having to worry about who was going to say what and bring it all crashing to a halt. I want some movement: I want to feel like I'm something other than a slave driver, dealer or obstacle.

I want to see my girls smile for each other and for me.

I want to feel like we're making something, and not avoiding breaking everything.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe I'm asking the wrong people. Maybe I'm the wrong person to dare to ask for so very much.