Core

I've been doing some thinking for the last few hours. Some sort of critical mass is being reached, and I will have to make a decision soon, about where to go, and what to do.

Both girls say that they love me, but

Kess can't seem to focus on keeping the the home sane and clean for more than a couple of days at a time. Once she gets past panic-mode, it falls apart and she starts leaving crap all over the place. She says that she fears my temper, and wants sex constantly, bitches about the lack of it, and yet doesn't respond to me when I offer, or whines on about how It's not about *her*, its about whatever her biggest concern of the moment is, or its just not enough. With all the resentment that I have about this, I do not know that I can ever be enough. I do not know why I should want to.

Drae blows hot and cold, and trying to be affectionate with her is basically a waste of time. She seems to resent any advances made toward her, and rejects even non-sexual affection - oh, she'll accept a hug adn a kiss, but only dutifully. It seems she gets nothing out of it anymore- There is no exchange of warmth, no sense of emotional contact. She's constantly wrapping herself up in projects and other peoples dramas and wants a more exciting day to day life than I can give her. Physical intimacy has been a joke, and we hardly talk anymore about anything important. She's sitting a foot away from me, probably having a fine time flirting with Sabby, and doesn't even realize that I'm writing what might be either a dear john letter or a suicide note. Not that I even know what this is at this point.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm losing the ability to maintain any pretense of functional humanity. I'm constantly angry, frustrated and upset. I've developed a propensity for violent thinking that I haven't had since I was a teenager. I am frequently convinced that I should have died some years ago, and somehow this has all been a mistake.

Whatever my life could have been at this point, I am feel as though I made a horrible mistake somewhere along the line, and only managed to attract people into my world who are either already fucked up, or on the verge of it. I surround myself with the insane and dysfunctional, and at times, I enjoy it.

I have tried to do the right thing, at so many points along the way, but have never gotten credit for it. When I lose my shit, I get what I want. The gods reward bad behavior, and Eris has her hand in the moral cookie jar. Whatever moral sense I possess, it is collapsing. I have lost the sense of right and wrong that I worked so hard to build. Consequence does not follow from cause, and there are no rewards or punishments, only random events.

worse, there are randomized repeating events which become predicable in their form, if not in their details. The sun rises and sets. I will go to work, and be bored. I will acquire goods and purchase services. I will converse with others, about whom I care nothing, or little. The people I care about fear me, or worse, lose interest in me.

I doubt this will ever change.

The things I want are intangible, unreachable, and inexpressible. I want moral certitude. I want to be loved passionately. I want, for once, to be the one that someone seeks after, and not the one who does the seeking.

I thought I had some of that once, but the world does not bear this out. I thought once that I could make something beautiful. Something that would please others. But I doubt I will.

The closest I come to joy these days is a schadenfreude. There is no one left who would pay, or collect a blood price.

I have become a passive collector of data.

I have become a dispenser of food and shelter, in the eyes of those around me.

I am not polite company.

I am a poor guest.

I want to fight an honest war.

My will to power is corrupt.

I am not sure I can continue in this life, but I do not know what life I want.

Part of me knows that I could seek help. The rest of me rejects that notion, and tells me that I am reacting sanely to an insane world.

What I do know is that all my worries and frustrations come from concern for those around me. I want them to be safe and cared for when I'm gone. And I am going. The only questions are how far, and when.