Haus der Luege : Noli Evocare Quod Reprimere Non Potes

...everything I work on SUCKS, until that magical moment when it almost doesn't. I don't hate this enough to stop working on it - I can see where it COULD go, but oh, it's hard, hard...

That's the difference, I think, between being an artist, or a writer, or a runner, or a where-ever-your-dreams-take-you-er. DOING IT when you ABSOLUTELY would rather be doing ANYTHING else. The hardest part of the job is showing up. But if I just force myself to sit down at my easel, pick up my brush, scrutinize my work, focus on one little thing that I could make suck less if only I do this to it, and keep going, then eventually, I've finished another painting, and I don't need to draw it over and over again.

Nothing happens if I don't take that first step - I must remind myself of that religiously. What keeps me almost-pure is that I don't call myself an artist if I haven't created anything in six months. The physical therapist sez I should be more gentle on myself. So does Jay. I'm really bad at that.

BTW, I'm not asking for critiques of these. Believe me, I know what's wrong, and where things need to go. I'm sharing the process, not asking to be directed.



Again, if you enjoy these, please toss something in the tip jar. Or, bounce to my site and pin a bit of me to your very own wall!

...is tentatively called, "The Marriage of Heaven & Earth". It's been bouncing around for awhile, so I finally got off my ass & started painting it. These damned things beat at me for months, sometimes YEARS until I paint them out. An idea knows it's got a better chance at becoming a painting when it makes me sketch it over & over & over again. Here's one of the many rough sketches that wouldn't leave me alone:



And, if you like these forays into my process, I'd love it if you threw something in the tip jar. July in New Orleans is a slow, slow time, and the 3 week show I'd normally be doing in Connecticut went away:(

Or, you could always pop over to my site and buy some art...!

Thank you to everybody for chiming in, though some of you didn't QUITE stick to the rules. Just giving me a list of titles doesn't help me - I want to know WHY you're passionate about them.

If you enjoyed bouncing around the comments section & wanna grab the list for yourself, it's here, and I stuck it in my "memories" section, too:)

Thanks again! I'm not gonna have the "what the hell should I read" problem for about, oh, a good 10 years :)

And, coming soon, a sketch for the next painting percolating in my studio!

...so I was thinking that it'd rock to hear what everybody's favorite book is, and why. This could be the start of an awesome list, cuz as I said, I'm not good at picking them out, and I hate dropping myself in someone else's head only to come up a few days later thinking, "Well, that sucked." (This may mean you, Dan, but you're not alone.)

As for my contribution, I loved Katherine Dunn's Geek Love, cuz the relationships of the characters, despite the majority of their conceptions being drug-fueled experiments by their freak-show-owning parents, were beautifully, believably drawn, and their poignant humanity was drawn in all the sharper relief against the manipulation of their bodies. And I like circus-y things. Ahem. I do go on.

I loved Diane Ackerman's A Natural History of the Senses. She a poetic scientist, a drillingly deep lover of all things that come to us through the physical world and affect who we are spiritually. She made me aware that everything that touches me, every sight, sense, taste & sound, affects who I am & my relationship to the universe. And it was in this book that she referenced my next favorite:

Patrick Suskind's Perfume long before there was a movie about it. It's so powerfully sensual - I love books that make me think about commonplace things in extraordinary ways. And I love brilliant sociopaths. Mmmm...Hannibal Lecter.

And, well, when I finished Stephen King's The Talisman, I wanted to glue the front cover to the back cover & just keep reading the book in circles so I never had to leave the story. He blew my brain open to the probability of multiple dimensions & how choice & intent move us through the world.

So, there's my list. I know I gave four & I'm asking for one each, but hey, it's my journal. If you absolutely can't pick just one, I s'pose I'll suffer;)

Thanks for your thoughts!

Good news = new cell phone! Bad news = ancient, calculator-lookin' cell phone didn't connect to any backup device.

My saved phone numbers are all gone.

Dear friends, would you send your phone numbers to me?

(xposted to FB and Myspace, sorry for the redundancy)

...for one, how many different people I’ve become, depending in which forum someone meets me.

On MySpace, I’m distant. I show up briefly to the party, glance about, note the tumbleweeds, maybe say something pithy, more often not, and leave. I’m not very friendly.

On FaceBook, I’m a sound-byte. I slice-of-life-post. I promote, briefly. I hunt down cherished people who I wish I’d never lost track of. I remind myself of that face I see once a year in a far away town with whom I might be REAL friends - if only we lived on the same coast. It’s friendship as short attention-span theatre. It makes me sad, but the tool is useful.

On LinkedIn, I was independent. Confident. But it was the wrong venue for what I do (it’s a business networking site), and packed up. Too many people asked me for “recommendations” when I’d met them once, or painted their ankle 15 years ago. That does not a “working relationship” make. I shut it down.

On LJ, I’m as true to myself as I know how to be. I hold forth. I query. I poke. I ponder. I hope to inspire, teach, catalyze, entertain. I post art. I share fears. And I shove the whole shebang at FaceBook, in the off-chance that someone might care to drop beneath the surface.

Four different personalities. Four ways for people to relate to one flesh-and-blood woman. None of them really me.

As much as I try to be transparent, as fully one person as I know how to be, I realize there’s a whole different girl at a renaissance faire. A BDSM show. A swinger’s event. Making groceries. A bar in New Orleans, as opposed to a bar in Manhattan. Alone in my studio.

Heraclitus said, “You can never step in the same river twice.” Everything changes around us, constantly. How much of who we think we are is us, how much is fluid, impressed by our surroundings, our friends, our desires?

Perhaps this fractalizing of web personae IS truth.

So as a lazy and now very poor, health conscious vegan, I have to do a great deal of strategic planning when it comes to my meals.  To stay within budget I plan my weekly shopping trip - what I need from each store and roughly how much it should be. I do not deviate from the list. 

The qualifications are as follows:

• my weekly budget is $30 or so (for just myself)
  
• the meals must be healthy: low in sodium and saturated fat, high in fiber and protein
  
• a daily meal plan should be around 1500 - 1600 (on days I do not exercise) 
  

I have decided to share my weekly planning with the web at large, mostly due to the fact that this information is difficult to find and if I can save someone the hassle - all the better.

So here goes...

WEEK 1

Caloric Total: Around 1,600 (depending on preparation and specific ingredients)

Breakfast: Cereal with almond milk, Banana
Morning Snack: Carrots (3))

Lunch: Whole Wheat Hummus and Veggie Wrap

Afternoon Snack: Fruity Soy Yogurt

Dinner: Chocolate strawberry protein shake & Salad with white beans and pineapple salsa

Extras: Rice Cakes (2), Nectarine

Read more at tumbling towards ecstasy

...paid as intense care & concern to their own offspring, this world would be a happier place.

I mean, people, come ON. You didn't know him. He didn't love you. You're not in the will. Five years ago, most of you were maligning him as a pedophile. He never had a childhood, he was very talented, he had some flavor of body dysmorphic syndrome, and he was deeply broken. And now he's dead. Please move on.

Better yet, focus on this instead:

School

Got an A on my Muscular/Skeletal Systems exam. 2 down, 1 to go. For which, I will be studying later this evening. I really like that my hard work has paid off and that the study habits I cultivated 6 years ago, haven’t disappeared completely. Have to admit I’m nervous about starting Chemistry on Monday. I’m more anxious about doing two accelerated classes at once. But you do what you have to right? I

All this said, I am loving my course of study and I think I’ll love nursing. Its everything I enjoy: meaningful content, practical study, and its all about how things function, which is always nifty.

All in all, this is my life right now. It’s demanding but I always love a challenge. I also enjoy the hyper focus that comes with such things… it proves how little you need in your life to be happy - some down time, good friends, food.

Health & Wellness

As I said previously, I’ve had to cut back a bit on my gym time. And I can no longer fit Powerflex into my schedule. But I will percivere! I’m still running and doing some weight training. And I can’t say how much I’m looking forward to the fit workshop this weekend… no bones, or neurons, or obscure little muscles. Well, not unless I pull one.

As far as vegan dining is concerned… I’m poor. Can’t afford to be extravagant. But Trader Joe’s is a blessing. I prefer fresh, raw meals… but I’m settling for veggie chili and frozen veggies. Still healthy, but not as much so. I’m thinking about posting my weekly meal plans for other folks on a vegan shoestring budget. I’ve not found a lot of resources.

Employment

Still not employed. Still not receiving unemployment. Things are getting tight. But just got to muddle through. Friends and family have been generous when called upon and that’s been really crucial. I hate asking for anything though. I applied today to be a promo girl on Friday and Saturday afternoons. Its fits my schedule and pays well. I’ve determined I need only $100.00 a week to survive. 

Personal Practice

Non-existant. I might get time to read a sentence or two of the emails from Tricycle I get on a daily basis. Might help with the stress though…

Social Life

Went to a reunion for my childhood dance company (PASOW). Folks haven’t really changed… well except for marriage and kids and such. But their essence remained the same. We all seemed to just click back into place. There were a few faces missing, but that was not to be helped. A good time all the same.

I went to Pirate Faire and it was chock full of awesome. Except for the damp cold weather. But it was worth it to see such a great performance. You folks should be proud.

So looking forward to CTRF this weekend. I get to see all my peeps and play with swords. What more could a girl want?

Bits & Bobs

Still transferring things over to the new computer, now named Samsara. It has a poor reception for wireless. I’m hoping to bring it in to an Apple store next Wednesday after class and before game.

Car is going in for inspection tomorrow.

Garden is going well. Lettuce didn’t work out, but the peppers and tomtatoes are doing fine.

That’s about it really. Namaste all.

 

Read more at tumbling towards ecstasy

I should be getting a printing schedule next week-ish, and then pre-orders can finally, at long last happen! But until I can prove to the big boys that people will love it, and talk about it, and even *gasp* BUY it, I’m the main thrust behind getting this book out.

And that means I’m gonna need some help. For starters, I’d love to have some kind of opening party here in New Orleans. And then the books will come with me to DragonCon. And then up the coast to the Connecticut Faire, stopping along the way. I just got off the phone with the marketing people who tell me that if I can sell 500-ish under my own steam, we can take that number to a big distribution house where I just might become a Real Live Girl.

But that time is not yet.

So, I’m asking for suggestions of venues. When I drive to CTRF there’ll be several stopping points – Atlanta around September 18th, up to New Jersey-ish after that, and Vermont after that. I must be AT the Faire by the 25th.

During week days, I could do bookstores & bars & underpasses all over the northeast.

Anybody able to help with any of this? It’s all about to become real, and oh, how I wish my blond was able to help me, but he’s off playing GI Jay.

Also, I shouldn’t have to say it, but several people have already made this assumption, so I guess I DO have to say it:

As much as I’d like to give everybody who’s ever bought a piece of my work (or said they like my stuff, or had a drink with me, or stayed at my house, or in whose home I’ve stayed, or played with me on the road, or gone dancing with me, or, or...) a copy of the book for free, I CAN’T DO IT.

In order to get a big distributor to take on this project, I have to prove that it sells. Receipts & real names & everything. So, if you love my paintings, if you wish you could see the doodles & thought processes that lead up to them, you’ve been entertained by my shenanigans, if you think I could help someone not make the dumb mistakes I did, please buy the book. There’s been a huge investment of time & money by lots of people other than me in this project. We all need to eat!

Thanks for your thoughts. I feel like I’ve been grotesquely pregnant for the last three years, and I can’t wait for the next phase of the journey to begin!

I give you Buffy vs. Edward Cullen, in which the later is revealed to be the controlling stalker-freak he truly is, surprising no woman about the age of 25!

...wrote another cool thing, and it's not even about me!

This one's about the whack naming trend in catalogs. Does anyone out there know what color is "havana" or "gypsy"?

Cuz I don't...

...taken by nisaa in 2008. This was on the balcony of Mimi's, about 8am on Fat Tuesday. I'd already been abducted into a stranger's house & plied with two bloody marys. And quiche. The special brownies would happen later. Urp.

Read more at tumbling towards ecstasy

Out with a friend last night to see a band. We were having a grand time, dancing our fool heads off and laughing. He’s a much better dancer than I am, and I had a hard time keeping up. (That little up-on-your-toes-glide thing in the waltz eludes me, but it didn’t stop me from trying.)

He sported his trademark waxed, curly que ‘stache, I was in some combo of sparkly-fringy-pig-tailed-cowboy-booted fabulousness. (Well, to me, anyway, and I’m the only one who counts.)

But no one else in the room moved. Here was this 7 piece band, swinging away, a clarinet, bongos, a sousaphone, a banjo, a cute chick belting out campy 40s songs, and everyone sat there, polite smiles on their faces, proof that all this marvelous sound was going into their ears evinced only in tiny toe-tappings.

A man confided quietly, pointing at my frolicking friend, “Wow, I wish I could be that free.”

He broke my heart, right then. Cuz the only thing stopping him, was him.

There’s this huge looming specter over so many people I’ve met. It’s name is What-Other-People-Think.

“Oh, I love it, but I could never wear that hat.”
“I wish I could say that to him.”
“I’d look stupid.”
“Well, YOU can pull it off, but I couldn’t."

Here’s the dark secret: Other people don’t care. They’re too wrapped up in themselves, their own worries, potentially looking foolish. And if they DO say something, why should YOU give a damn? It’s so much easier to be a critic than a creator. There are six billion people on the planet, and they’re breeding at an outlandish pace – go talk to one of them.

This is YOUR life. In the off chance there’s no reincarnation, live NOW. What the hell are you waiting for? If you always wanted to learn Italian – TAKE A CLASS. If you love those shoes because they make you feel like Marilyn Monroe, WEAR THEM. If you think of something nice to say to that stranger just because, SAY IT.

Really, what’s the worst that will happen? You’ll fall off a cliff? You’ll break out in hives? You’ll die of shame? Some person you’ve never met & don’t care about won’t like you anymore?

How many more years will you sit there, wishing you’d gotten up & danced?

It specifically stated NOT TO SEND the following:

Magazine subscriptions
Pornographic materials
Knives or weapons
Drugs of any kind
Cigarettes or tobacco
Baked goods, candy, food or other consumables

Thanks for all the well wishes and offers of tasty goodness for my blond, but we'll have to limit things to:

Letters
Pictures
Newspapers & magazine articles

And that's that.

...he's managed to get sick, along with most of his unit. He's not thrilled cuz it's slowing him down, but he's still doing more push-ups than the 17 year olds;)

He was made squad leader, in charge of 12 other men, but said he didn't have the "outgoing personality" to be platoon leader. He's good with that, cuz he likes behind-the-scenes stuff, anyway. If anyone wants to send him anything, he can be reached at:

PFC William Watt
5611 NE Rothwell Street
Unit C4
Fort Sill, OK 73503

He was told, "If someone sends you food, and you're a fatty, we're taking it away. If you're NOT a fatty, you'd better eat it in 30 seconds." So's y'all know. He likes chocolate & peanut butter things:)

I sent him his cel phone and pix of the kitties and the garden. He was happy to get those, but said, "Hey, um...could you send a picture of YOU? The guys wanna see. So I did. And I made sure to send him shots that would jack his street cred. This was one of them:)

School

I got an A on my first exam, which is worth nearly 1/3 of my final grade. *does dance of joy and nerdiness*

The next exam is going to be really intense… the entire skeletal and muscular system in 2 weeks. As much fun as you can imagine it might be. I’m longing for more time to absorb the information. I really enjoy learning about A&P and I am constantly in awe of just how astounding our bodies really are.

Still planning on applying to Annamaria and MCPHS in Worcester. I have my Chemistry I course half approved (by MCPHS not Worcester State yet) It begins on the 29th of this month. Its MWF at Framingham State at 8:30 in the morning. I’m hoping the traffic in the mornings isn’t going to be that bad…but I am a realist.

Health & Wellness



Still going to the gym when I can, but my back decided to act up… looks like a partially herniated disc in my lower lumbar. It’s not crippling, but I can’t do any resistance or weight training and I have to keep my runs under 4 miles. I went to see the doctor a week ago, he gave me some muscle relaxants but its still bothering me. I’m going to call today to make another appointment to request some PT.

Employment



So… I am no longer employed. I was laid off with no notice on Wednesday. Walked in was pulled into the President’s office and told ‘your last was Monday’ and here are some forms on how to file for unemployment.

The plan is to stay on unemployment and keep my eye out for a job that really fits my needs, keeping in mind a school schedule in the fall. I wouldn’t mind getting trained as a CNA… But in the meantime, I’ll apply of course, but the next 8 weeks are really demanding as far as school is concerned.


Personal Practice



Still reading Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are."

I’m hoping to take up meditation in the mornings before class on Tuesdays and Thursdays minimally. I also would like to begin doing more walking meditation.

Social Life



Went to James’ B-day party. Always a great time. I was really excited to see distant and not-so-distant-but-never-seen friends. Had some very tasty frozen fruity drinks and a lovely chocolate amaretto smoothie. (Yes, it is as good as it sounds.)

 VegWorcester just got noticed that the pamphlets will be arriving by the 19th. All day vegan buffet at Buddha Hut is on! It will be on July 11th from 12-7. Please come! I’ll be putting up more info and a poster on all my various social networks.

Bellydancing is over, but I plan to continue my studies with the help of YouTube and videos in my spare time. (hahahaha…)


Bits & Bobs



The computer is now being transferred into. Looks like the permission issue was mysteriously fixed by Chris.

Still working on getting a 'new' copy of Photoshop.



Garden is still delightful. No produce yet… but then again its only been a few weeks. The rain has my job so much easier.

Went to see “Drag Me To Hell” by Sam Raimi. It was good in an amazingly gross way. Not a ‘real’ horror film, more of a thrill with some comedy thrown in. Very much in his genre of cult classic. 

Read more at tumbling towards ecstasy

I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting for the last little tweaks on the book to be done. Waiting for it to go to press. Waiting to hold it in my hands. Waiting to see if all the people who said, "Please write a book" actually buy it.

Waiting for Jay to be done, to see what he becomes when this is all over. Wondering if the bug has bitten him more deeply than he suspected & our lives change even more drastically as a result.

Waiting for my skills to improve, for the a-ha moment that allows me to get this damned painting to the next level. For the record, once again, I HATE painting. Love the ideas, love the finished pieces, hate everything in the middle. I can't explain the hell I force myself through almost everytime I pick up a paintbrush.

Waiting for my body to change, for the outside to finally approximate the inside. I've changed my diet drastically, and I'm down about 20 pounds, but the herniated-disk-episode threw me off.

Waiting to feel my foot again, wondering if I'll ever have strength & sensation in it again.

I'm working to move all these things along - well, at least the ones over which I've a semblance of control. I'm working out, watching my diet, doing the physical therapy, sketching out the tricky bits with reference, but I don't see anything happening NOW, and I'm an inbox / outbox kind of girl.

Waiting makes me apeshit.

I am in a close friendship, but not a romantic relationship.